I'm 19, male, I have suffered from depression my whole life and anxiety and panic attacks since I was 13. I live in the UK and cant work, I sit at home all day on fucking benefits because I am too much of a failure to work, if that isn't already bad enough, I was diagnosed with Asperger's when I was 5, I don't have that many friends and I have never had a girlfriend, it pisses me off so much when I hear about people cheating on there girlfriends, I hate people talking about sex and I cant fucking stand sex scenes in movies or fucking durex adverts I feel like I could punch a fucking wall down in anger, I feel like I will be alone forever and that probably right, a retard like me doesn't deserve good things in life. I have to live with tinnitus and I'm only 19. I have been in and out of therapy since I was a child and nothing has worked, I finished seeing a therapist a few weeks ago and that was no help, they only talked about my anxiety and didn't even ask me what's wrong with me and when I mentioned depression they said they couldn't help. I'm seeing a new therapist now on the same bloody course and the first thing she told me was that they don't normally take people back twice because most of the time its down to people not giving a shit and not trying to get better, when I fucking do give a shit.
I feel worthless, I feel like such a failure a retard who shouldn't have been allowed to live past birth, I am NOT suicidal as much as my life suck and the best part is I am terrified of death, I cant accept that this is the only life I will get to live, I'm not exactly religious either. I feel like I am being punished for something I didn't do and I'm sick of it. Literally the only thought that keeps me going now is that if I live out this life, I can have a good life next.
I went through a stage where I wouldn't ask for help and now that I need it the most, everyone turns me away and its like a fucking joke to them. I am sick of being depressed, I am sick living with anxiety and I am sick of being lonely. I seriously don't know what the fuck to do anymore, I really don't think I am ever going to get better, I try to stay positive, I really do but time after time things go wrong for me and always have done. I feel like I am at that breaking point, the last one was last year when I had to quit college after the first day because of my anxiety.
I don't even know why I am posting again to Reddit because every time I post something it either gets ignored or I get some pretentious idiots reply. I'm not saying everyone on here is bad, most people on here are looking for help, I just really don't know what to do anymore. If you made it to the end of this horrible post of my problems, I really wish you the best in life.